the Like a Lightbulb remix by
Did not mean to make first entry into new diary journal a complaint, but
Justin did not need to cut me off four—four—times in interview
today. Was possibly going off at tangent, but questions always so dull. Why does
nobody ever ask anything new?
But. Will be Zen. Will maintain calm. Calm is good. Stupid interviews all crap anyway. Obviously photos of Justin more important, since he is not yet on bus.
Note to self: must tie-dye new white T-shirt at first opportunity. Think pink.
Well! Knew Chris and Justin were fucking, but REALLY! Some discretion please. Also, our kitchen table, ew!
Joey and Lance complete cowards, no attempt to make Chris and Justin behave like
civilized people. Would have said something myself but did not wish to be impolite.
Besides, they ran to bunks before anyone came anything really happened.
Bus design pitifully inadequate. Soundproofing of bunks an absolute requirement, not stupid curtains. Justin's voice painfully piercing when he begs for cock.
In interests of honesty to self will admit that was turned on. However.
Slept on couch last night as did not wish to be subjected to more piercing whines from Timberlake. Also, too exhausted to move. Kirkpatrick is shameless, not a hint of contrition this morning. Cleared throat in pointed way but to no avail.
Some People are just rude.
On positive note, found missing shirt with feathers! Mysteriously packed in Timberlake's luggage. Hah! He so could not carry it off.
Is exhausting being adult of group. Kirkpatrick and Timberlake making out like teenagers all over bus. Joey remonstrated with them today. Timberlake apparently willing to improve, but Kirkpatrick simply cannot be trusted to behave. However, in interests of justice, pointed out Joey's own exhibitionism has led to worse displays in past. Details too horrible to write down!
After breakfast, attempted to reassure Justin and offer means to self-actualization. Provided helpful facts and encouragement but was rebuffed. Justin clearly too immature to appreciate insights. Chris seemed to understand but am not certain he agreed. Chris gets nasty look in eye, at times.
Is fortunate I was able to obtain diary journal with key. Will speak of
it to no-one. Shudder to think what Kirkpatrick and Timberlake would do with
information that I am writing down innermost thoughts.
Did not anticipate that was joining troupe of performing perverts. Really, it is too much. Disturbs my Zen. Must increase time spent meditating.
Apparently Justin inadequate to sate Kirkpatrick's appetites, as he applied his attentions to Joey this evening. Sober person would have known to get clear when Chris gets That Look in eyes, but Joey too drunk to know better. Fortunate I was in room, as Chris plainly up to no good. Had audacity to wink at me as though I did not know what he was doing.
As usual Justin unable to carry out straightforward day-to-day procedures without fuss. Insisted on dramatic luggage crisis when leaving hotel. Possibly looking for feathered shirt, hah!
Joey therefore arrived on bus before Justin. Lance obviously not stimulating company at early hour, too busy snarling about finance on cellphone. Joey visibly uncomfortable on 'Porn Bus'—not MY fault, did not ask for this—but apparently hypnotized by Kirkpatrick's incessant motion. Why is Chris unable to keep still? Contemplated investment in horse sedatives but persuaded self is better to rise above mêlée and remain calm.
Began to make bets with self on when Chris would touch Joey. Cannot remember whether now owe self money or not.
Dear God. They are fucking now. Joey less shrill than Justin but equally
enthusiastic. Chris must be very Considered moving to other bus but
after consideration, prefer sounds of sex to one-sided discussion of sordid finance.
Was uncertain how to explain situation to Justin. Decided to leave it to Chris. Began reading Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters instead. No explanation necessary as Justin opened curtain to Chris's bunk.
Have no sympathy for any of them.
In attempt to maintain Zen of group, offered Joey opportunity to talk about recent
experience, possibly harrowing, but Joey hummed noisily and fled. Am surrounded by
shallow-minded morons. However, Joey is making attempt to embrace tolerance when
faced with Chris and Justin in hot and heavy embrace. Justin
unappreciative, cannot keep straight face when sees Joey.
Actually have urge to giggle, too, but must become better person. Presumably do not need to pronounce words in Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters in order to do them.
No opportunity as yet to purchase suitable dye. However, refuse to be stressed. Have many attractive T-shirts, if Timberlake will keep paws out of my luggage.
Was musing on importance of art in hotel bedrooms, obviously none of significance because all pictures identical, probably produced in factories, machines with paintbrushes good at straight lines, why display pictures with no redeeming artistic features, but possibly interesting pictures would keep guests awake, in which case why not bare walls, is that too dull? Note to self: existence of studies in sleep patterns of hotel guests? Second note to self: check, do 'artists' whose signatures are on pictures actually exist? Third note: song? Mechanical Picasso, great rhythm. Wonder what rhymes with Picasso.
Calm disturbed by bandmates, as usual. Lance accusing Justin of being slut, pot, kettle, hah, because Lance no angel even if could pose for Renaissance painting when bored. Probably Lance reading message boards again, should just tell teenies Justin eats cereal with mouth open and lets off mighty farts after Mexican food. Not pretty sight. Or smell. Teenies possibly too besotted to believe sordid facts. On reflection, Lance too worried about fanbase in any case.
Assumed Chris would intervene but as usual Chris merely smiled, apparently expecting me to do all work. Sigh. Am effectively eldest of group, as Chris mental age twelve. Told Lance to be quiet and made him leave. Attempted to reassure Justin that sex is beautiful spiritual experience but do not know why bother since Justin completely missed point.
Chris also unhelpful. Went back to Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters. Do not know where Chris went.
Sarcasm is so not necessary.
Am somewhat disturbed about Lance. Have barely seen him for three days. At last sighting, Lance apologized to Justin. Most uncharacteristic.
Could not help noticing that Lance was walking like cowboy fresh from saddle.
And Chris apparently ate canary.
After consideration, am moving to other bus. Lance and Joey may need help.
Complete waste of time attempting to comfort Joey and Lance. Self-denial and repression rule on Boring Bus, two of them should embrace their true selves, flaws and all, but instead flee from every attempt to discuss matter.
Also is very dull on this bus. Possibly too quiet.
Moved back to own bus. Need not have bothered to explain reasons for move since neither Chris nor Justin seemed to care. Fuckers.
Kirkpatrick is Selfish Bastard. Also, has no appreciation of good thing when offered. Most people would think it privilege to have JC Chasez on lap, most people would be pleased to be kissed by Me, but miserable fucker laughed and told me to go get blowjob from Justin instead. So completely not the point. He had Joey and Lance already. Was My Turn.
Do not see there is any difference between wanting Chris a person and
thinking you want a person. If you think you want a person, then you want
him that person. If you do not think you want a person, then you don't.
Want. That person.
That makes sense.
Spoke to Joey about problem Chris. Joey unhelpful.
Crisis! Realized horrible truth, am dressed in pink pants and shirt with feathers, do not look like magnificent free spirit or even adorable flower (Joey's idea, stupid Joey!), look like fucking carnival float from parade. Am complete freak and had not noticed. World apparently too kind or indifferent to explain dreadful truth.
Own no clothes that do not shriek carnival, except plain white T-shirt. Thank God
did not obtain dye. Fate working in mysterious way. Attempted fruitlessly to
borrow from Justin but Justin has no normal person clothing either so
ended up in outsize pair of Lance's jeans, had to pierce new hole in belt with nail
scissors to hold them up. Lance's childbearing hips not myth at all. Borrowed
leather jacket from hairy crewmember, smells a bit but needs must, and slicked hair
back with apricot-scented gel before realizing not best choice in circumstances.
But, definitely cool new look, unfortunately sunglasses framed in pink so, no
sunglasses, but distinct hint of James Dean in new, brooding, manly JC outfit.
Practiced swagger in front of mirror before writing journal.
Time to go clubbing.
Am NOT dressed as refugee from Annie. Did NOT lose my fucking luggage.
Kirkpatrick is a moron.
Nervous now. Chris promised me a 'present'. Had flashbacks. Still have nightmares
over giant dildo, and shirt with lube smeared inside sleeves, and pop-up Kama Sutra
with mustache-and-goatee drawn on all females. Chris's presents suck. King Kong
dildo size of fucking ARM and impossible to use completely impractical.
Still, must admit this time sounded more promising. From reaction in club did not think James Dean look had been effective, but apparently mistaken. 'Present' due to knock on door soon.
Think he may finally have got message.
As diary journal is place for honesty, will admit to self, am somewhat
tense. Meditation?
Handwriting a little shaky this morning. Present was not what I
definitely a surprise. Justin is fantastic in bed.
Mentioned to Justin that did not expect him to keep fucki sex
coming to my bed. Assume Chris did not intend permanent loan of fine Timberlake
booty. However, Justin apparently free agent, so sex likely to continue. Which is
Good Thing, because it definitely sucks to be famous pop star who never gets laid,
and was in very barren patch before Justin.
Cannot help wondering, though, because he did say, and it totally might not be true,
but he did say that Chris was better even better in bed. Hard to
imagine, but have spent some time contemplating subject.
Cannot find Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters. But, not so much time available for meditation now, so am determined not to fret. Also, is possible do achieve Zen at moment of orgasm, though this admittedly brief. Wonder why book did not mention this. Possibly in Chapter Three or beyond.
Note to self: would make good song. Meditate—hum—when we mate—come.
Justin is going to ask Chris to fuck me.
Too many thoughts in head to write down. Paper would ignite. Justin worn out, would not have thought possible because Justin younger than rest of us, but says Chris is too much. Hah. Would not be too much for me. Told Justin would not mind fucking Chris.
Not that Justin is not hot, because yes. But. Chris!
Fucking Kirkpatrick! I am so not boring! I am not boring! I am calm! and adult!!! and I take my art seriously! and I do not fuck around with my bandmates (except Justin) and I do not act like a demented monkey on speed!
I am not boring. I don't think I am boring. Am I boring?
He doesn't want to fuck me.
Spent entire day observing bandmates. Impossible to tell whether they think am boring. Except Kirkpatrick, fucker. Also crew, and press, and anyone. Maybe am really really boring and nobody said. Like the carnival float thing, only of course that no longer relevant as am much happier in interesting clothes than Lance's baggy childbearing pants.
Is possible am boring.
Life sucks.
It is true. Am boring. At least boring for *NSYNC. In other band would be kinky inspired creative artist but here, am boring. Could not think of anything kinky to do in bed that Chris and Justin have not done already, and threw away mustache-covered Kama Sutra long ago so no help there. Although, woman bits, so unlikely to be of use in any case.
Justin under illusion Chris secretly pining for my ass. Hah. Went on and on about having fantastic hothothot sex with Chris because Chris really wants me but does not know it. Stupid Justin. Have already thought about this. If you think you want someone, that is the same as wanting them and if you think you don't want someone then that is like the same as not actually wanting him. Besides, Chris laughed at me.
But, lightbulb moment! Could show Chris what he is missing. Hah.
Should possibly stop making plans involving sex and Chris. Success rate so far zero. Wish had not mislaid Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters. Should meditate more.
Tied Justin to Chris's bed. Was turn on, but. No Chris. Fucked by mistake when heard high-pitched squeaks outside door, but noise went on down corridor, probably to Joey's room. Realized afterwards, was female giggling, most likely stacked blonde, knowing Joey, but at time was too excited to distinguish details. Then Chris did come, so fucked J but was totally weird, like taking driving test, someone there to watch all mistakes and tick things off list.
Then sorta hot, for a bit. J so fucking sexy tied up and I felt, I felt beautiful and I thought Chris, the two of us, we were hot and he watched us…
Only then felt stupid again. Childish, dumb thing to do, play with the pretty boy to get the other boy jealous. Had to get out. And Chris was looking at Justin, anyway.
It isn't going to work. God, today…
Was just trying to be nice to Justin. Felt guilty about tying him to bed for hours, not my fault Chris not back until three, but. Chris mocking him, Chris never takes things seriously, when it's other people hurting, and he, he blew Justin on the couch while I was right there.
It was the hottest thing I ever saw
It was the hottest thing I ever
It was the hottest thing I ever saw.
Cannot possibly still want Chris. Have to think rationally about this, analyze situation in sensible and clearheaded way.
Chris
1. Is short
2. Has weird hair, although not as weird as it used to be. But, beard horns!
3. Is wrong when he thinks he is a fashion guru. Hah!
4. Is mean sarcastic mean.
5. Does not understand power of positive thinking.
6. Is not such a great catch after all.
So there is really no reason to want him, because am myself tall, and have Great Hair, and look seriously good in clothes other people cannot wear, and am positive person with good Zen. And not mean.
Is it possible Chris was right after all about thinking you want a person not being really the same thing as wanting a person? Do not wish to admit this, but am being honest with self in this diary and is possible I did not really want Chris at all. Is possible just thought I wanted Chris because he fucked everyone else.
Will have to think about this more.
Think I may have gotten Chris out of system.
Fucking incredible.
Should have realized Justin would tell Chris how I fucked him like Chris two days ago. But, managed to be cool and understanding when confronted by short, angry bandmate in painfully bad denim ensemble. Obviously embarrassing for Chris, kind of weird to think that we. Did it like that. And I made Justin call me Chris. He should not have told! Should have smacked him harder.
Not pleased with Justin. Though, probably not his fault. Chris is just…
Trouble with trying not to think about Chris things is that you cannot do
it without thinking about what you are trying not to think about. Like pink
elephants. Perhaps should think more about pink elephants and less about
Chris other stuff.
Found Meditation Techniques of the Buddhist and Taoist Masters in suitcase wrapped in white T-shirt. Threw white T-shirt out of hotel room window. Will start again at beginning of book and focus on perfecting technique. Achieve Zen, calm, and pink elephants.
Meditation doesn't really help. In fact, does not help at all. Is stupid. Stupid Meditation Techniques. Stupid Buddhist and Taoist Masters.
Left stupid book in hotel lobby.
Snapped at Chris today. Fucker knocked me into wall, it fucking hurt, luckily not face but. Should be more careful. Demented monkey. Ought to feel sorry for losing temper, but, hell. Fucker should be more careful.
Is amazing how inconsiderate other guys can be. Joey was dragging me around, and am tolerant guy, if it makes him happy, then fine, but he cracked his thick skull against my chin and that pissed me off. And Lance, leaving his shoes where anyone could step on them and fall over.
Someone has to tell them, and as usual, am only adult in group.
Possibly was mistake to try for Zen state. Why be only adult in group, when others do as they fucking well please? Why sit back and be gracious? No appreciation from any of them. Hah. Was doormat, please tread here on way to interesting stuff. No more Mr Nice Guy!
Experimented with wild rockstar behavior today, not entirely successful. Wanted to try breaking stuff, ought to feel good, many cool people do it, Johnny Depp seriously cool, so thought possibly new experience would be good for development as creative artist, experience of destruction as positive act, etc etc, but, maybe not that kind of person. Did not feel cool at all, trashing table of food, just stupid and embarrassed.
On plus side, got blowjob from kitchen guy when helped with cleanup.
Possible there is lesson here about rewarding bad behavior, would meditate on subject but don't do that shit any more.
Also, am pissed at Chris. Keeps petting my hair as if am personal property or kitten or something. Stupid Chris. Does not treat anyone else like that. Don't see why I should lie down and purr for Chris. All his fault anyway.
Why should I not tell truth in interviews? Not all time, obviously, Teen People does not need to know that Timberlake likes it rough, but who most annoying person on tour? Cannot be surprise to anyone.
Admittedly had not quite thought it through, could not say, Chris fucks everyone else and pisses me off, level of truth not appropriate for afternoon DJ, so may have sounded a bit spaced. But so what? Others always say stupid stuff about me, and not made up. Not because I do stupid stuff but because when they say it, it sounds stupid. Anyway, he is annoying.
Am not fucking apologizing. Am not.
Oh, fuck it. Told them was taken out of context. Justin condescended to snuggle with me after that, so arguably worth it.
Not going to apologize again.
Had forgotten about journal, found it in suitcase wrapped in purple silk shirt. Have not had time for writing since the night I played cards with Chris and got mad at him and had unexpected but incredibly hot sex on floor of bus. Turned out Chris preferred new bitchy JC not calm Zen JC. Is possible being bitchy JC more fun, especially when involves fucking Chris. In fact, definitely. Yes. Have secret ambition to wear him out. Hah! Although, not easy. A Good Thing!
Must not forget to keep writing in journal, though time now limited as Chris insatiable and insists on interrupting whatev